Artwork by Hello Baby Illustration

Hello.

My boyfriend asked me a few days ago if I ever write on my blog anymore. I told him I stopped since I deleted my facebook — I wouldn’t get very many views. Since he said that I have not been able to STOP thinking about it.

This blog was so cathartic for an entire year.

I re-read some of my old posts and it made me chuckle. So many things have changed in 2 years. Good things, bad things, heart breaking things.  To ease my way back in to this thing, I will turn to one of my favorite things; lists.

1. I quit my job. For the past 2 years I have been working with Autistic children providing ABA therapy. I was excited and thrilled to be doing something I wanted to do. I thought once I had an “adult” job, I would feel fulfilled. I didn’t. I slipped back in to a toxic mindset and instead of growing, I felt I was shrinking. I was angry, stressed, bitter and whiny. It was as if I gave up on my mission of mental health advocacy. I became cognizant (does that word really have a z? that looks wrong) of who I was becoming, and I quit… There was obviously SO MUCH MORE than that — but that’s the gist.
2. I got a dog. I have begged every roommate I’ve ever had for a dog. I begged my dad all 18 years of living with him for a dog. I have wanted nothing more than a dog. And I got one on May 18, 2019. His name is Tucker, he is one years  old, and he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. He is 100% love with just a dash of anxiety. He has helped my depression so much. I love him.
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4. I gained  A LOT of weight. I slipped in and out of disordered eating, went to a therapist for body image  and ultimately, gained 50 pounds. My therapist moved away and the 12 hour days at my job were leaving me too exhausted for any sort of self care. My weight gain has negatively affected my mental health and I will probably talk about it a lot.
5. I’ve lost all my friends. How many old blog posts did I talk about not having friends, then my friends would tell me how upset they were about me saying that? Well, it’s true. I decided to cut toxic people out of my life and did not realize that I myself am a toxic person. I’m slowly working on my own problems and hopefully friends will come along. But honestly, it’s heartbreaking. While I know we all did what was best for ourselves, nothing is a bigger self esteem gut-punch than losing all of your friends. I lay in bed crying sometimes because of how lonely I am, but I will work on it.
6. I WANT to return to school. I’ve applied to a couple of master’s programs and will hear if I got in by January. I’ve decided I would like to be a therapist focusing on mental health and body image issues with young adults. To do this, I must obtain my masters in social work. Wish me luck!
7. I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I’m still fucking up. I’m still trying. I may spend my entire life trying, but it will be worth it.

Thanks for being amazing, I love you, dear reader.

XOXO

Hannah

I was trying to be like Lana Del Ray with summertime sadness but if I have to explain it, it clearly didn’t work.

But hello! Long time no talk! I haven’t felt the need, since receiving medication again. But alas. I have returned, and instead of regular depression, it’s seasonal depression.

Now, I feel silly. All my life, since I can remember, I’ve been depressed. I’ve known something was off. But every August when I tried to restart my life and better myself, and every October when my depression was worse than ever, I never realized it was S.A.D.

But honestly, it all makes sense. I’m fine February/March- September. My anti-depressants do their job, I feel human, I can get out of bed. Then all of a sudden, the skies get grey, the days get shorter, and I get so overwhelmingly depressed that I can’t even leave my bed. This was, during college, when my grades would drop, when I’d call out sick from work, and avoided going to class for weeks on end. Currently, it’s making me rethink everything. “Should I quit my job?” “Does anyone like me or are they pretending?” “Do I really want to work in psychology?” The answer is, calm down Hannah, it’s going to be okay, your brain is lying to you.

Now that I know WHY I’m sad, I can try and fight it. I asked on instagram tips and tricks that others use to help them. Many recommended vitamins and other supplements, but then I was told that those can affect my SSRIs. Other’s tried exercise, which if you have depression and have been told this a million times, you know it’s not that easy.

However, I did receive some advice that I’ve been trying to practice. One was to take vitamin C and D. So I’ve been drinking Emergen-C with Vitamin D everyday, which is nice because I work with kids and I need that immune system boost anyways. And the other was some super bright light. I haven’t purchased that because I’m super broke, but I have been making sure I’m not sitting in the dark, like, ever. Lights are always on, windows are open if it’s sunny out, to try and imitate a sunny day. I’ve also tried to do a bit more than sit on my butt and watch TV. Like coloring books, podcasts, audio books, long baths. Anything that’s a little different from my routine.

So far, I feel okay. It’s been a week since I’ve taken these tips into account though so it’s hard to say. I want to try to incorporate exercise into my morning routine now since I’m currently feeling okay, but waking up at 5 is damn near impossible for me.

But that’s whats been going on with me. If anyone has any other tips or tricks they use, I’d love to hear them.

Take care my friends!

Why hello! Long time no talk!

First of all, yes I’ve used that meme before but I used it when I was getting off of medications so it was cheating.

Second, I’m still kind of cheating because I am pretty sure I’m going back on the same medication since it has worked the best for me.

But yes, I’ve decided to get back on anti-depressants after nearly a year and a half of being without them.The first few months without medication were awesome. Was that the left over serotonin working it’s way out of my body so I felt fine? I mean most likely. After that wasn’t necessarily bad, it just wasn’t good. It was very stale, mediocre, hollow…

I haven’t felt sad to the extent that I did when I was in college, thank god, but I’ve still felt sad. And I’ve felt empty. And anxious. So anxious. About absolutely everything.

I did a lot of thinking, listing the pros and cons of being on medication, knowing that the medication won’t fix my problems, but god it will help.And I did try different forms of medication, so to speak, before making this decision. I’ve been taking CBD for anxiety and pain and it kinda helps. I’ve focused on deep breathing and tried to exercise and all that jazz but of course I ended up quitting.

But basically, here was my thought process:

Pros: It helps me sleep, it helps with my chronic pain, instead of feeling empty I feel like a person, it helped me be a healthier person

Cons: The first two weeks suck, it may not work the same this time, price, I feel like I’m in a cloud.

So basically, I thought the pros outweighed the cons. I’m excited to stop feeling like a cardboard cut out of a person. I’m excited to work on my emotional eating and hopefully get back down to a healthier weight (did I mention I gained like 50 pounds in a year like omg that’s not healthy at all). I always look back in the past and see me as a positive person; a glass half full kind of person. And I’m just not now and I miss that. I’ve grown lazy and it’s honestly making me feel worse.

So, my doctors appointment is on Saturday, I have to wait until I get paid to get the medication, so like next Tuesday I believe, and then I’ll be back on this journey. I’ll keep you updated on how I’m feeling this round.

Thanks guys 🙂

xoxo