What comes next

Hello! I know I haven’t written anything in the past few months but to be completely honest I didn’t think I’d write once a month for a year to begin with so cheers to that! Also, I recently saw Hamilton (humble brag) so the title is indeed from Hamilton.

But I am newly 24. And all I have to say is, people really took the whole “no one likes you when you’re 23” thing a little too seriously. This past year has been trash and I really don’t know how else to describe it. But the best thing about hitting rock bottom, you can only go up.

So here I am. Trying to grow and improve and love and be loved the best I can.

In the past few months I have

  1. started a new job (in my field and actually doing something I want to do AND using my degree)
  2. Learned to be alone, take care of myself and be comfortable in the loneliness.
  3. Learned to cook (I can still only make three things but hey I’m trying)
  4. Stepped outside of my comfort zone and made plans with people I hardly know
  5. Hit one year with my boyfriend (heeey)
  6. Rekindled a relationship with my mother and learned to heal
  7. Went 6 whole months without bleaching my hair to try and learn to love my natural self (it didn’t work, I have a hair appointment in two weeks)
  8. Learned that modifications to make you feel better aren’t wrong or bad in any way.

So. Maybe this past year was a disaster. But god it was a needed disaster because I’m finally growing as a human being and what else could you ask for? I’ve been off of anti-depressants for a year and I feel more alive than I ever have. I try to take one day at a time and be grateful and thankful for everything, but it doesn’t always happen. So here’s to another year of growth, self-love, self-discovery, and hopefully I’ll be able to see Dear Evan Hansen next.

 

I hope this next year finds you well.

 

XOXO.

New year new me!

No not really. I decided not to set any New Years resolutions this year. Especially how nothing went as planned last year so I’m going to go with the flow and try to better myself.

But the thing that’s changing is…. I’m going to start running. Not for weight loss but for my job. I spend my mornings (part time life yo) working with children on the autism spectrum disorder and that requires a lot of running .

I came to this conclusion after I couldn’t catch a 4 year old because I’m so out of shape and such a slow runner.

I’m sure you’re like “cool Hannah good for you hope all goes well why is this a blog post though?”

And the answer is because I’m scared.

I’ve always been a hefty gal. During my entire gym class career, I was an anxious mess. I was always aware of my body jiggling while everyone else was thin and lanky. Others were aware of my body jiggling too and would make fun of me. I was poked with sticks, teased relentlessly, some guy even hit me in the tummy with a volleyball as hard as he could because I was a big target and he wanted to prove to his friends he could do it.

Besides being harassed for being fat, I also have knee problems. My knee dislocated for the first time during my 8th grade volleyball game. Since then it’s been a lifetime of more problems with said knee. So I never really ran after that because I was afraid of it dislocating again. Then I finally had knee surgery and my workers comp wouldn’t let me continue with PT so I never fully regained the strength back.

I was also discouraged by my father (I love him dearly sometimes he’s just an egg so please be nice). He always told me I didn’t have the body to run and I had to be thin to run.

So as you can see I have a lot of troubles around running and I’m so anxious to start. But I need to. I want to be able to run around and catch my kiddos and be good at my job.

So… wish me luck.

Reflecting on 2017

I’m not feeling too well, so how about a 17 things I’ve learned in 2017?

When I started this blog, I didn’t really expect it to be much. But it became kind of a virtual diary to me. When no one would listen, I could write it out. I got to share my truths that have been kept secret for so long, and I ultimately ruined friendships by talking aloud about how I feel. So, through all of that, I’ve learned a bunch.

  1. Learn to say no. Boy oh boy! Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook probably remember the unnecessary drama that occurred a few months ago. I was called a thief and a liar and blah blah blah all because I was too afraid of this individual to say no. And that’s not the first time I’ve been burned for not saying no. So, I’ve tried really hard since then, to say no to things. No to opportunities, no to people that I don’t vibe with anymore.
  2. Talk to others. I’m sure you’d be surprised since I run a blog all about mental health that I don’t really talk about my feelings with other people. I can tell all of Facebook I’m depressed, no problem, but I can’t tell my boyfriend when I’m upset. It’s been hard for me to transition from bottling everything up to expressing my feelings, but boy, does it make me feel better.
  3. People change. I guess it took until my 23rd year around the sun to realize how true this is. Friends outgrow you, you outgrow friends, and sometimes, you realize you just want to be alone. It’s been a hard fucking year but I know I needed it.
  4. Don’t eat at Chuy’s in Denver. I was super excited since I’m originally from Texas and my brother’s name is Austin (ya know the whole keep Austin weird thing) to find out there was a Chuy’s a few miles from my house. i was less excited to wake up with the worst food poisoning I’ve ever experienced.
  5. Pay your bills on time. This is probably another “no duh. Hannah” moment, but I’ve been going through life, late fee after late fee and doing fine. Until this year when my $150 phone bill turned into a $450 phone bill because I forgot to pay it. Or when my internet got shut off because I was behind $300…. Yeah, Autopay is good. Being broke for a moment is better than being in debt.
  6. I really want to live alone. Let’s just say this last roommate experience has been…eye opening. And I can’t wait to live alone.
  7. Game of Thrones is AWESOME. Listen. You’re about to think less of me, and that’s okay. But I had refused to watch game of thrones because I thought it looked stupid and also it made my roommate mad every time it looked stupid. Like I said, you can hate me. But my boyfriend got me in to it and I LOVE IT.
  8. Lord of the rings is also AWESOME. Another thing my boyfriend got me into. I think I watched it when I was 7 or so and I just didn’t care for it, (to be fair, at that time the “cool” kids at school made fun of me for liking star wars so even if I did like lord of the rings I may have told myself to hate it so I could be cooler). But wow, did I love it. I even logged in to tumblr for the first time in 2 years to change my name to samwise the fat. (Samwise is obviously the best character.
    samwise
  9.  I really hate college. I always hated it, but as the years went by, I cared less and less and started doing less and less homework which made my grades less and less good. So any chance of getting a Master’s degree is shot (not that I want it anyways).
  10.  Every person who leaves you, will be replaced by someone who loves you. I’ve dedicated a ridiculous number of posts to how lonely I am this year. But if I would shut up for one second I’d see all the people surrounding me, supporting me, and loving me, who I didn’t even realize were there.
  11. I really like my boyfriend. I’ve kind of bounced from bad relationship to useless fling for years now. What a breath of fresh air to have someone I actually genuinely enjoy. We’ve been together something like 10 months but it somehow feels like it’s been a few days but also that I’ve known him forever and that feeling just is the bees knees.
  12. I have really polarized views. So like, on anti-depressants, when I was on them I was like YEAH EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE ON THEM. And now that i’m not on them I’m like THEY’RE TERRIBLE YOU’RE BETTER WITHOUT THEM. And I feel bad that I can’t make up my mind. Same thing goes for Trump. Some people I love voted for Trump and I was like “no way i hate you guys now” but i still love them I just disagree with their political choices. I guess this could also be a tolerance growth?
  13. I’m not creative or influential enough to think of 17 things. I’m sorry, I’m trying really hard.
  14. Pinterest is great. Late to the game I know but I made the BEST chocolate chip cookies from a recipe I found on pinterest.
  15. Working at a store you like to shop at is a bad idea. I’ve been working part time at bath and body works and BOY. I have so many candles now. I have so many candles I haven’t even lit or taken out of the bag. They’re just all around the house, unlit.
  16. Holiday depression. My holiday depression still exists no matter how many times I try to ignore it. I just sit on the couch all day Christmas, sad as fuck. This year it lasted until the 28th which is exceptionally annoying.
  17. Keep going. That’s my final advice, words of wisdom, etc. Keep going. God knows how much I wanted to lay down and die this year. But I didn’t. I’m slowly going through every hurdle. And at the very end of this year, I finally got some good news. I have an adult job. I am a behavioral intervention therapist/technician at an Autism center. So even though a lot of things still suck, I’m doing a little better than I was before.

 

Happy new year to you guys! I hope 2018 is a lot better than 2017.

Forgiveness

I’m hesitant to post this but I’m going to try to be as vague as possible.

When I was in high school gym class there was this person who picked on me like crazy. They poked me with a stick and their gang of friends would all stand around and laugh and point fingers because I was a fat monster.

Honestly that hurt so much that it still bothers me. Out of all the mean things people have called me that individual and their actions hurt the most.

Recently I found out this individual was struggling with depression. They added me on Facebook and I was hesitant to accept.

The next day they committed suicide.

And I sat there in shock.

I always pegged this person as an asshole who caused me so much mental turmoil I was too selfish to see if they were okay.

I’ve been battling with myself. I know they struggled but god they made me suffer. They made me suffer so much that I still struggle with that today. Whenever I have on an outfit that’s a little too tight I just imagine getting poked with a stick while everyone stands back and laughs.

But what can I do? I can no longer talk to this person. I can’t demand an apology.

And I feel so selfish because they were struggling so much they took their own life.

And I decided the only thing I can do is forgive.

I’m going to forgive even if they were never sorry.

Because I can’t hold a grudge for someone who hates me when they hated themselves more. I can’t be filled with hate for a reason that happened long ago.

So I’m going to try and take this as a lesson. I wish I would have messaged them when they added me and asked if they were doing okay. I’ve gotten a reputation as someone you can go to for help whenever you’re struggling and honestly it’s amazing.

If for some reason another bully from my past tries to add me on Facebook I’m going to make sure they’re okay. I won’t ask for an apology because you can’t hurt someone else unless you hurt.

So today I choose forgiveness. I forgive all of those who may not even be sorry.

The importance of trigger warnings

trigger-warning

Look –I know everyone thinks trigger warnings are over done, people are too sensitive, blah blah blah. But I’m here to defend trigger warnings.

As I’ve been open about, I was raped. Seeing rape scenes in movies and television makes me have full blown panic attacks. I’ve had to leave movie theaters because of this. When I’m with someone who’s seen the show and they tell me, “just so you know there’s a rape scene will you be okay?” I have time to prepare. Take deep breaths, or hide if I need to.

I don’t know if I’ve been as open about this, but I did use self-harm as a self-medicated way to feel better. I didn’t know using a razor blade across your arm was an option until I saw an episode of Degrassi. My favorite character, Ellie, started cutting herself. At the time I was like, wow. That seems to be helping her. When she cuts herself she’s able to remain composure and hide her depression.

I’m not sure if I would have come to this conclusion without Degrassi or not. At the time this show was playing (I believe I was in middle school) I was already slamming my head into lockers, falling on to pavement as hard as I could, purposefully scratching myself and pulling my hair. So it’s save to say, I was already using this method. The thing that was tempting about cutting myself was that it was easier to hide. When you slam your head against a locker door, people notice.

Oh, side note, the same time I was doing this there was a rumor that I was going to kill myself when I was 15 and literally NO ONE cared. They just kept checking to see if it was true and then told me I was stupid.

The point of this is, maybe, just maybe, there was  a warning before the show saying something  like, “Hey, Ellie has problems you shouldn’t do what she’s doing this isn’t a good thing to do” but obviously in a more formal way, I wouldn’t have done it.

That’s actually something I thought 13 reasons why did very very well. For those of us recovering from past trauma, having a trigger warning before the episode allowed us to prepare for what was about to happen.

 

Anyways, that’s just my thoughts.

 

show time

So last night I went to a concert.

I was super hesitant about it because the last few concerts I’ve been to, my anxiety has been so high and I usually have a panic attack.

In fact I went to see my favorite band about a year ago, awesome line up awesome everything. I had a very kind friend with me being so nice and asking me if I was okay and comfortable and everything, and I had a panic attack and bulldozed people away and the poor thing got a concussion. It was a shit show.

 

so safe to say, I was worried.

The venue was small and a sold out show. i stood in the back against a barricade and for a while, everyone was staying away from me.

Then drunk girls came up to me and put their arm around me and started saying we were going to be friends. and strangers were leaning on me. and people just continued to bump in to me.

Here’s the thing — one of my big triggers at concerts is being touched.

And I’m so well aware that you will get bumped in to at concerts. But sometimes people are intolerable. I asked a few people to stop touching me, politely, and then they continued. (I’m also claustrophobic so it’s hard for me to tell if I’m anxious because of people or because of claustrophobia). 

Honestly, it feels like I’m being smothered. When strangers start touching me, it makes me feel like I’m nothing more than a wall. It makes me tense up, it scares me. I can’t stand being touched by people I don’t know.

As you know, I have a bachelor’s in psychology so I pretend I know everything. Apparently, the best treatment for anxiety is exposure. So I just took a few deep breaths and said this is okay, this is going to help me get better. People are going to touch me and I’ll get used to it. It’s going to be okay

Anyways,

for the first time I disassociated. It was actually scary. It was like I wasn’t there anymore. My vision was blurry, I couldn’t hear anything. I just felt dead.

So I’m done with concerts. I don’t want to put my friends through that, they shouldn’t have to baby sit me.

However, I am going to ask my doctor for medication just for anxiety as well because the depression anxiety combo meds don’t help.

 

Fooling myself 


The whole reason I stopped taking anti-depressants was because of an error at the pharmacy. I wasn’t able to refill my prescription for three weeks so I just never refilled it.

I felt so much better for months. For the first time in a long time I could feel. Anti-depressants have made me flat and pretty emotionally dead. But now I could feel butterflies and excitement and the good and the bad.

My hopefulness slowly started to diminish. I stopped having the energy I once had once I stopped. I gained a bit of weight. My anxiety came back with a vengeance. And the thought of death never leaves my mind * I also am extremely afraid of the afterlife/eternity and it shoots burning hot anxiety through my entire body until I’m shaking*

So it’s time. It’s time to go back to therapy. It’s time to go back on medication.

So here’s to hoping I can find one that doesn’t make me sick to my stomach or extremely suicidal.

5th time’s the charm, right?