Usually when I start blogging, I can’t stop. So welcome to my second post in a week.
I just got back from my doctor, who by the way is an absolute angel. She gave me such a big hug today and it made me feel so loved. But anyways, she’s putting me back on the same medication I was on, which I anticipated, and I can start taking it on Tuesday when I get paid.
She also asked me about therapy. I have been on the hunt for a therapist for months now. They’re either too expensive and don’t take my insurance, have no availability or simply, don’t want me. I literally had a therapist tell me she didn’t want to see me and it just made me feel weird.
My last therapist was also at the same doctors office, but he made me uncomfortable. When I did my initial session he said, verbatim, ” You are the most depressed individual I have met and I don’t know how you’ve made it this far.” Listen. I don’t know if that was supposed to be inspiring or what, but it made me feel like I was unfixable and I never went back. But my lovely doctor told me they hired another therapist so I could give him a shot.
My main qualm is that it’s a guy. I’ve never truly experienced a male therapist but there’s issues I want to talk about that I’m not sure he’ll be equipped to handle simply because he’s a guy… but I’m probably being sexist.
I want to go to therapy for the obvious suicidal thoughts, anxiety, yadayadayada. But I also want to go to therapy to talk about my problems with food. When I was a kid, I obviously suffered from some sort of eating disorder, despite my size. I’d eat one meal a day, go on the elliptical right after, and then cry and cut myself in my room because I was so fat. When I was in college, I was like “alright, I’m going to do this right.” And ultimately ate less than 1000 calories a day and made sure I burned over 1000 calories in the gym. I kept that up until I fainted at the gym and my dad sent me money to get subway.
Now, (I should clarify, this is not just a now issue, this has been an on off thing. Switching from this to not eating.) I binge eat, and don’t find a way to burn off the calories. My stomach will be so full and bloated and I keep eating. I eat my emotions when I’m sad, I eat too much when we go out.
I tried to take a year, diet free, to love myself. And instead of eating a healthy amount, or starving myself, I went too far the other way. It’s black and white to me and I can’t find a balance without turning it into an eating disorder.
EVERY time I try to get healthy and lose weight, it turns in to an eating disorder.
People have told me my entire life that I’m too fat but have never shown me how to not be fat in a healthy way. Sure I looked a lot healthier when I lost 20 pounds in two weeks, but that’s not healthy either. I want a therapist to help me figure out why I’m doing this. I want a therapist to help me stay on track, ask me about my diet and my workouts. Make sure I’m in a good mind set as I try to get healthy.
I’m not blind, I’m well aware that I’m dangerously overweight. I can feel the affect it has on my body. I just don’t know where to go, or how to go about it in a healthy way. And I’m just worried a male therapist won’t understand. But let’s hope I’m wrong.
Let me know if you have any experience with this and how to break the cycle.