Author: A work in progress

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Grocery store employee during the pandemic

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this-is-fine.0

As I’ve talked about, I quit my job in December to focus on my mental health. To pay the bills, I started working at Whole Foods. I know everyone is exhausted by COVID-19 in the  media and all the false information, but I’m still going to write about it.

I started this pandemic as an asshole. I was misinformed, saying everyone is overreacting and it’s basically a cold. Only the old and the immuno-compromised could die so who cares? Then it was politely pointed out to me that I was, in fact, wrong about the virology shit, and being an ableist asshole. People told me what the facts were and I stopped being an asshole.

I work as a cashier at Whole Foods, so I get more face time with customers than most other positions in the company. Here are just some things I wish people knew, would stop saying, or whatever.

  1. Yes, we are overworked. We work for a massive organization. People are panic buying and the shelves are empty. Shelves don’t magically restock themselves. We are working 40+ hours a week.
  2. Yes, I am aware that I am lucky to be working at this time. It does NOT mean I’m not exhausted. I’m dealing with thousands of people a day. Many of them yelling at me for being out of items.It’s exhausting.
  3. No, I don’t know when we will restock. No one does. Trucks can’t keep up with the demand and it’s nation wide.
  4. PLEASE STOP PANIC BUYING. I understand you’re scared. You buying 100 cans of beans, 50 bags of pasta, and 10 boxes of toilet paper is not necessary and is what is causing others to panic as well.
  5. This may be a personal one, but I hear 50 times a day, at least, “wow it’s so busy! why is it so busy?” Yes. Hi. I’m aware.
  6. There are a LOT of assholes out there, but a LOT of considerate individuals. This panic has made a lot of customers very concerned for our wellbeing, speaking words of kindness. For that, I say thank you and please keep doing that.
  7. WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF BAGS!! More shopping, more shopping bags. We are expected to run out  sometime this week. Please be nice about bagging. It may be my store (I work in a very well off neighborhood with very high maintenance customers) but let the cashier bag. Don’t ask for double bags. Don’t get mad if we put everything in one bag and you have to hold it from the bottom. I’m sorry but we’re only doing what we’re told.
  8.  Fresh items are still in stock. If you are just doing your weekly shopping, you should be fine. I have seen some interesting folks stock up on fruits and veggies…maybe they’re going to freeze it? Also i’ve seen people buy like thousands of dollars of meat…but for the most part the regular fresh foods are in stock so at this moment, bulk buying will not help.
  9. Please obey whatever limit there is to purchasing. i know some stores are putting limits on paper goods, rice, eggs and such. Don’t fight about it. Please. We are once again doing as we’re told and want to make sure everyone can get something they need.
  10. Just be a decent human being.
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Falling out of love

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I couldn’t think of what to title this blog. (I’m still in love with my boyfriend if anyone is worried). I just…have fallen out of love with a field I have dedicated my life to. I was obsessed with psychology at a young age. I loved watching true crime documentaries and wanted to know more about why serial killers were the way they were. Learning about mental illness was a fun past time for so long. I wanted to help people.

And I just don’t anymore. Maybe it started after my college rejections or maybe before. I had an interview today as a case worker for people who have recently been released from inpatient treatment and it just felt wrong. I felt wrong. As soon as I walked in the building I wanted to walk out. I found myself fearing the people with more severe mental illnesses and that’s not right. I had this image in my head of being a therapist to people like me. Just an average Joanne with depression and anxiety and frequent midlife crisis. How unbelievably selfish was I?

Let’s be real, the pay is god awful. When people told me as a kid that they don’t pay well, that meant nothing to me. I obviously didn’t understand work/life balance, taxes, mortgages, or the fact that most people don’t pay you a livable wage.But now, applying to jobs demanding a master’s degree for $12/hour and no benefits? No overtime? When I know I’d be pouring my heart and soul into every ounce of that work… I just got exhausted looking at the job descriptions.

I’ve fallen out of love with helping people. I don’t dedicate my every waking second to make other people’s lives better. I don’t live to please people anymore.

Honestly, since I started taking a real, hard, look on my own life and my own mental health, I stopped wanting to help others. I need help.  I need the time and energy I was putting in to other people.

On to more uncertainty. More job applications. And more trying.

 

Cheers.

 

XOXO

 

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Now what….

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squidward

Hey guys! I’ve always found writing in a format such as this to be very therapeutic and almost helps me get my ducks in row.

So, I’m going to explain my decision for change, in a deeper way.

Since elementary school, I’ve been addicted to serial killers. I loved watching the documentaries on them and just was dying to know WHY WERE THEY LIKE THIS. I realized wanting to know the answers to these questions made psychology the solution. I read articles about mental illnesses, followed tumblr pages about mental illness, took psychology classes and just knew my path was psychology. Struggling with my own mental illness made psychology even more fascinating to me. I ultimately decided that yes, I , Hannah Hensley, will be a therapist.

Since, god, probably 7th grade I decided I wanted to be a therapist. I chased that dream, told the world, and tried my hardest to make it happen. Of course, college happened and with college came more struggles. More struggles with my mental health but now, I was on my own. I had bills to pay, more homework than I thought possible, multiple low paying jobs, and still strived to get the “college” experience of parties. Eventually, I skipped all my classes to take depression naps and chose work over school because bills.

I know so many people work multiple jobs, battle mental illness, go to school full time, and have an active social life and thrive. I commend those who are able to do this, but I crumbled under the pressure.

So, obviously, I graduated. Got my useless BA in Psychology with a whopping 2.2 GPA and said “that’s it, I’m done with school.’ But I still wanted to be a therapist and the inner turmoil I faced everyday was rough. After 2 years in a career I realized I did not enjoy, I thought, yes, this is the time. Let’s try for grad school.

I won’t tell you how many programs I applied to because it’s embarrassing. I worked so closely with the admissions counselor through every step of the process.  They all encouraged me and assured me that I should not worry about getting in.

After applying (Shit I think I started applying in like September) I started to have some doubts. I realized that yes I love helping and want people to know their full potential but I am such an empath. I can’t separate work and life. I would take every clients problems home as my own. I would be drowning in sorrow.

Not only that, I am a very socially anxious person. I’ve notice that I have been stumbling over my words, avoiding eye contact with others and afraid to lead a conversation. I am the least assertive person I have ever met. How could I be a therapist?

When all the grad school rejection letters started coming in, one by one, I started losing even more faith in myself and my dreams of becoming a therapist.

After getting rejected from Walden, which is an online for-profit college that may or may not be a scam and has a high acceptance rate, I knew it was time for a change.

Besides being tired of working dead end jobs, living pay check to pay check, and getting yelled at by old people on a daily basis for incorrectly bagging their groceries, I know it’s time for change.

But what to?

I don’t want to work with kids or old people. I don’t want to be a therapist. I want to be a mental health advocate and help in some aspect. But that’s all I know.

I’m applying to every entry level job I can get my hands on, hoping one of them will call me back.

Being uncertain about a future I’ve planned for so many years is scary. Feeling like people are disappointed in me or feel as if I’ve given up hurts me deeply. But I know this is my life and it’s about taking risks.

I’ve had such a travel bug lately that the only thing I want is a job that gives me vacation time so I can travel. So here’s to the future, uncertainty, and hopefully, a life of happiness.

 

XOXO

 

Hannah

 

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Change of plans

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For the past year I have actively pursued applying to graduate programs. I was very scared because my undergraduate GPA was awful.

I reached out to the admissions officers of every school I applied to and they assured me I’d be fine, because despite my GPA, the rest of what I had to offer was impressive.

I got turned down from every program.

I was angry, of course. I was given false hope and thought I was so close to achieving my dreams.

Little did I know that my dreams have changed. I thought I wanted a MSW behind my name. I thought I wanted to be a therapist. I thought I wanted more schooling. I just don’t.

I’m (almost) 26 and I’m tired of the waiting game. I’m ready to begin my life. I’m tired of struggling to pay bills. I’m tired of pretending I want to or am ready to go back to school. I’m over it.

So like many other things, dreams change. One important thing I am striving for is financial security. I want to be able to travel. I want a house with a backyard for my dog. And I’m ready to start working towards that.

Some people may see this as me giving up. I don’t feel as if I’m giving up. I feel as if I’m ready for a new chapter of my life and school is not a part of that.

On to new adventures. ✌🏻

depression

Mentally ill in a small town

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Disclaimer – This is my experience growing up in my small town. I am in no way saying this is the same for everyone or even the same for people growing up in the same town. 

I spent about 8 years of my life in the small town of Colorado.  I yearned to escape and make something of myself. I saw what this town did to people.

Small towns are notorious for a few things; republicans, drug problems, and cows. Republicans, from what I’ve observed, are very close minded to things such as mental health. I can’t explain to you the amount of times I was told to “get over it” or “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” when I approached others, asking for help with my depression.

I heard stories about teachers giving girls who self- harm detention, or pulling down their pants to show the self-inflicted wounds.

When my step brother took his own life in 2011, people said, to my face, that they did not feel sorry or have any pity for me because he died by his own hand. People told me, in one of my darkest times, that he would go to Hell and have no solace in the after life. People told me he deserved it.

I grew up telling people I would kill myself one day, and no one cared.

Another thing my small town has a lot of- suicides.

In the past year, I can count 4 suicides I know of. All from people around my age, who grew up in the small town.

My heart breaks a little bit more every time I hear of another death caused by mental illness. My stomach sinks. My brain hurts trying to comprehend why…how…what could I have done? How can I save the lives of hurt souls from the same town?

How can we show those with suicidal ideations that we love them? That they’re not alone or that there is help for them? How can a small town that says they are such a close knit community save those from mental health issues?

Small towns often come with small minds. Unwilling to open to the changing world around them, for fear of drastic change in the little town they love so much. But opening your mind, opening your hearts, can save lives. Your little town may change but what if it’s for the better?

I am here to tell you that I  love you. I have lived with suicidal ideations and talked myself down. I know the emptiness you may feel inside you, and I’m sorry. To those who have passed, I wish I would have done more. I wish I would have known. I wish you were still here. 

The world needs you.

 

 

 

 

depression

Growing up co-dependent

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My dad got custody of me when I was around 8. Obviously, my confidence, self-esteem, and sense of self were all shot. I struggled making friends. I got my very first friend in the 5th grade (Hey Cody Boo I love you). I also got my second friend in the 5th grade, miss Holly. Holly and I were inseparable. We hung out all day in school, after school, and spent all weekend together until we were in college. People often said I would die without Holly. We stopped being friends the second year of college.Along came Taylor, who was also part of my small friendship group. I moved in with her and we were inseparable until 2017. All her friends made comments about how I wouldn’t be able to survive without her. In 2017, I also started dating David. Is the cycle starting again?

Doing a quick google search, some of the main causes of co-dependency are; dysfunctional families, abuse, trauma, and neglect. Being a child of abuse, it’s easy to see how I easily dived head first into my co-dependent lifestyle.

I like to deem 2017 the year my life fell apart. And thank god it did. I lost all of my friends, I had graduated college and had nowhere to go, I had nowhere to live, and my  last minute roommate, whole heartedly, sucked as a person. 2017 was the year everything fell apart and I had to stitch it back together. This was when I was first confronted with my co-dependency.

I realized, even though those past relationships were so important to creating who I am now, they were not healthy. I suffocated my friends until they left. I felt safe with my friends which was something I did not have has a child and something I needed so badly. I wanted to be safe, and I felt safe with you. So, dear ex-friends, if you read this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I smothered you. But thank you for giving me a safe space, something I needed so badly to grow. Thank you for accepting me, damaged and all. And I don’t hate you for leaving.

Since my realization, I try so hard to make sure I am not smothering my boyfriend. He’s an exceptional person and I love him so much, but co-dependency is not healthy. I try to make sure I’m giving him time and space to myself. The hardest thing is to make sure that I’m giving time and space to myself. I often will say ‘no I can’t go to the gym I want to go home to David.” Which is still something I need to work on. I still need to make a place in this world for me, without another person. I have been trying to be more outgoing and and make friends, which is hard as hell. But I’m trying and I’m proud of myself.

 

Take care guys!

 

depression

An ode to my medication

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I know people are iffy about anti-depressants and that’s fair — they aren’t for everyone, and that’s okay. But they are for me.

Dusty pink pills and yellow pill bottles. They litter my kitchen counter. I knock the bottles off the counter and lose pills to the carpet. I groan when I see the alert on my phone — time to take your pill. But still, I take my pill. Twice a day, everyday, I take my pill.

Without you, I am not me. I am fuzzy headed – confused. Without you, I cannot focus, I cannot think, I cannot be. The darkness grabs ahold of me, and pulls me deeper and deeper. It sucks my life, my energy. The darkness begs to go further and further, and I oblige, without you.

Without you, I would be dead.

So my dusty pink pills in the yellow pill bottles I sing this ode to you, for keeping me alive. Thank you for shining a light into the darkness and holding me tight.

positive

Customer Service – A Social Experiment

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People watching has always been one of my favorite past times. I would love going to the mall, getting a coffee, and sitting in those “man chairs” with my dad as we just observed. Some people are trying to impress others with their clothing and mannerisms. Others, don’t give a damn and show up in sweats. There’s rude people, kind people, shy people… So many different types, you could watch for hours.

Since I left my adult job and went back to the good ole’ reliable — customer service, I decided to have some fun with it. On a day when I was feeling particularly confident in myself and abilities, I decided to have a little social experiment.  First, here are some things I’ve noticed.

  1. Old people are quite often very rude. I’m talking about 60+ year olds. Granted, I never knew what customer service was like back when they were kids, but they sure are awfully rude, blunt, and not afraid to yell at you.
  2. Young people are quite often very polite. In general it’s the 14-30 year old range. They always greet you first, look you in the eyes, and say “no problem” if there ever is a problem.
  3. Mom’s are often embarrassed by their kids. My brother and I are “Irish twins” aka, born 11 months apart. Both of us were very curious and mischievous when given the opportunity, so i’m not sure how our parents handled us. But there will be sweet children who want to help and their parents yell at them and profusely apologize.
  4. Business men are quite often arrogant. They either are on the phone the whole time, refusing to make eye contact, and not saying a word to you, or they are very short with you and do a whole bunch of exhales. I imagine they practice this in anger management class.

So, working at my current place for a month, I decided to test things out.

  1. I wouldn’t look at or acknowledge people until they did the same to me. Often times, with young people, they would greet me, with older people, they would either yell at me about something or demand a receipt. Business men would seem to feel uncomfortable and be overly polite at the end of the exchange.
  2. I wouldn’t bag their groceries. I continued to scan their items until everything was off the belt. Old people, let’s say 98% of them, did not offer to bag. They just would tell me to A) hurry up, or B) double bag/ don’t make the bag too heavy. Young people, after about the first two items going down the line, would immediately start bagging.
  3. I would talk to the person behind them. If someone was not talking to me or was on their phone, I would talk to the person in line behind them. This, generally, seemed to peeve off the current customer and they would begin talking to me.
  4. I’d give free things to nice people First of all, I am allowed to give away up to $10 of free things per every few transactions so this is not illegal. I’d see young people say they didn’t have our membership or bought something kind of expensive and I’d give it to them, without saying anything. They ALWAYS noticed and always apologized repeatedly.
  5. I would not give the time of day to mean people I know the customer is always right. But that is some boomer bullshit I am not here for. If you are yelling at me because you picked out the wrong item, that is on you. I often did not respond to the rude comments. I did not say I’m sorry, I did not say “let me fix this.” I just ignored them and kept scanning. They seemed taken aback and did not continue.

There you have it! My day being a social psychologist at my job. I thought it was kind of fun and had to share. Like I said, I was feeling my oats one day and decided to try this out, but I’m generally a very good employee.

 

Cheers!

 

 

positive

Manifesting the best 2020

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Happy 2020! We have a whole year to build and create the lives we want to live.

I was hate watching youtube videos this past weekend, just passing some time. One of the people I love to hate watch had an idea that I loved so much I decided to do it as well. She made a photo board of things she wanted to manifest in 2020.

I thought this was a unique twist on 2020 resolutions and has more to do with the energy you put into the universe than anything else. So here are the things I will be manifesting in 2020.

  1. I will be continuing my education. I will apply to all the graduate programs I can. If I get rejected from every single one of them, I still won’t give up. I want to pursue a career in mental health and I will do everything in my power to make this happen. So I am manifesting my acceptance into a MSW program
  2. I will pay off my debt. I racked up some credit card debt during college because I had no other way to pay some of my bills. I would love to be able to buy a house in the next ten years so I need to get my credit score up. My number one goal for the year is to pay off my biggest, highest interest rate credit card. Bye bye capital one.
  3. I will work harder to reduce my carbon footprint.  Last year, my new years resolution was to start recycling! I have continued doing that a year later and I’m proud for continuing that. But I know I can use compostable items like dog poop bags and trash bags and try to buy things made with glass rather than plastic.
  4. I will continue working out and moving my body in ways that make me feel good because it really really helps with my mental health and chronic pain.
  5. I will take my dog on walks, instead of arguing with my boyfriend about who has to do it. I love my dog so much and he waits all day for me to get home, I can take him on a damn walk.
  6. I will continue to work on my overthinking and over apologizing.

 

 

I love putting things out into the universe. Good vibes for everyone.

 

XOXO

positive

You’re safe

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artwork by Lisinka

 

“It’s okay. You’re safe” 

Words I said to myself. And meant them.

For the first time since I was a child, I feel safe.

As a child of abuse, the trauma does not stop when you are no longer being hit; the trauma replays in your head. Even though I have not been physically hit by my abuser since I was a young child, I have replayed the events repeatedly in my head. I have feared the mans face. Feared his presence – knowing he is a short distance from where I live. I was afraid anytime someone would life their hand. Anytime someone would raise their voice. All of this being a learned response from said trauma.

I have been working on not saying sorry for things that are not my fault or that are  out of my control.. Maybe if I say sorry they won’t hit me. If I don’t say sorry I’ll definitely get it. I don’t want to make him angry. It’s been years, and I still revert back to this.

Today, as I was working in my customer service job, an older couple became angry with me. They were angry for reasons outside of my control, most, if not all of the reasons being their own fault. I instantly panicked. I apologized. I apologized profusely to my manager, to them, to anyone around me who could here. I was on the verge of tears.

A little voice in my head piped up and said “It’s okay. You’re safe. It’s not your fault.” And for the first fucking time in my life, I believed that little voice. It wasn’t my fault. No one can do anything to me. I am not to blame, I should not feel the burden of their anger.

Woah. How powerful this moment was.

Of course, people have told me it’s not my fault in many situations but this was the first time I accepted it. I would usually agree, and quietly feel shameful of my mistakes, laying awake at night crying for what an idiot I am.

 

But not today.

I am safe.

XOXO.

 

Hannah