I still look for you.

searching_by_latyrx-d4is6g8

It’s been a little under a year since I made the tough decision to cut you out of my life.

I’m sure you read my blogs, it just seems like something you’d do. So listen carefully.

Telling you that you made my life worse was the toughest decision I’ve made.

But you’ve broken my heart so many times before any boyfriend had the chance.

You made the heartache of a break up feel like nothing more than a stubbed toe, because I’ve had worse.

Because I’ve had my mother tell me I’m the reason she tried to kill herself when I was 13 years old.

Because I’ve been told that I fake my mental illness for attention.

Because I’ve been told that I don’t know how to handle my problems.

Because I’ve been told that I’m not good enough.

Because I’ve been told that everything you did to me, didn’t happen. That I’m a liar.

You’ve made me feel crazy. You’ve made me doubt myself. You’ve made me hate myself.

Despite how much you’ve hurt me.

I still look for you.

I look for you in every crowded place.

I look for you at every grocery store. And I hope I can catch a glimpse of you.

And I want you to search for me.

I want you to look for me in a crowded room.

Because that would mean that you cared.

And  I want you to care.

I so badly want you to care that I exist.

But realizing that you’ve blocked me on facebook, blocked me on your phone, I know you don’t care.

I’m a nuisance. I have called out how much you’ve hurt me and you can’t own up to it.

You won’t admit to the pain you’ve caused me and the pain you continue to cause me.

You tell your friends and coworkers and family that i’m a liar.

But I hope, deep in your heart, you know I’m not.

All I want is for you to admit to yourself and to me that you hurt me.

You shattered me and I had to build myself up.

You’ve broken me beyond repair but I found a way to keep going.

 

 

I just want you to know, even though you have destroyed me, I don’t hate you. I love you. I don’t like you. But I will always love you

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