It’s currently 2 in the morning and I must be awake by 5:30 so I can look presentable for the day.
But I can’t sleep. And it’s not because I’m excited.
I feel as if I don’t deserve this. It’s weird having zero friends attending graduation, and having my family leaving immediately after because they’re the ones I care about. I don’t care about walking across the stage.
I went to the hotel my family is staying at to give my dad and brother donuts. My grandparents were surprisingly still awake and gave me such a generous gift.
And my brother wrote such a heartfelt letter.
And my dad looked so proud..
And I don’t feel as if I deserve this because I’m not excited.
I didn’t like college. I didn’t make friends. I didn’t make good grades. Why am I celebrating?
So instead of sleeping, or rather not sleeping due to excitement, I’m sitting here feeling guilty.
I don’t deserve such generosity for something I suffered through for five years.
I contemplated suicide so many times, only during the school year. I got more depressed every semester, missed classes, had professors concerned if I was still alive, because I hated going so much.
And now I have a day dedicated to me.
Honestly, once the ceremony is over and we get lunch, I’m coming home, putting on friends, and packing.
So cheers to five years.